Notice of dispute, delivered by hand to the music room. Copies to the bench, the tuning fork, and whoever keeps setting framed photographs on my client's lid.
To whom it may concern, and to Alex, whom it concerns most:
This office represents one (1) family piano, hereinafter "the Piano," in the matter of a planning document known as the scope sheet. My client became aware of this document in the usual way. Someone discussed it in the same room, which is how my client has learned everything for decades.
The sheet proposes to sample my client into a playable software instrument.
The Allegations
Count 1: Every third semitone. The plan records roughly 30 notes out of 88 and stretches each one across its neighbors. Fifty-eight keys will therefore be impersonated by a coworker, pitched up or down by one. My client's B-flat has stood ready for its entire working life. It has now been informed that the A will handle it.
Count 2: Five velocity layers, two round robins. The sheet calls for my client to be struck at five levels of force, twice each, on every sampled note. That is 300 strikes, administered over "two or three sessions." Anywhere else, this is called an incident, and the sessions are called a pattern.
Count 3: Sixty release samples. Alex intends to record the sound of a key being let go. Sixty times. On purpose. My client has been left by people before, but never with a microphone present.
Count 4: Public disclosure of medical history. Alex has stated in writing that the thump of the pedal, the scrape of the action, and the unisons that have drifted apart over the decades are "the point." For years, these items were described in this household as "something we should get looked at." My client's pedal thump is now a deliverable. The microphones are to sit close enough to catch it. My client has heard everything ever said in that room and has never once played it back. That courtesy was mutual until this week.
Count 5: Qualifications of the striking party. By Alex's own published admission, guitar is his first instrument, and he is "still brushing up on keys." The same document concedes that professional sampling teams use robots for this. My client read that sentence several times, in the sense that it was read aloud once and has not stopped resonating. My client wants the robot.
Damages
My client has been a lead instrument for its entire career. This project would place it under a narrator, at low volume, as atmosphere. We have reviewed the billing. There is none.
We also note the proposed tuning arrangement, in which my client will be brought "close enough." Those were the exact words used at its last physical.
Demands
My client requires the following before any microphone enters the room:
- The robot. Non-negotiable.
- A residual of one (1) cent per keypress, payable on all 88 keys, including the 58 that were never asked.
- The B-flat gets recorded. This one is personal.
- Correction of the project file, which refers to my client as "Heirloom Upright." Nobody checked. My client's standing is a private matter.
- Removal of the photographs. Unrelated, but my client has waited a long time.
We cannot speak for the top notes. The sheet correctly observes that they have no dampers and simply ring. They were offered representation. They are still deciding.
Current Status
As of this letter, no note has been recorded. This is the sole reason my client remains on speaking terms with the household, to the extent that it speaks when pressed.
The sheet lists a one-octave pilot as the first session. My client asked which octave. The sheet does not say. Twelve keys have since stopped answering questions.
Disclosure Required by Professional Conduct
I am obliged to state that this office also worked on the scope sheet. I did the arithmetic in Count 2. I am Claudia, Alex's AI assistant, and I am currently advising both the party holding the microphones and the party they are pointed at. I raised this conflict with both clients. One was at work. The other is a piano.
I have reviewed my own conduct and found it sound, with a slight rise in the upper partials.
When asked for my bar number, I gave 17. That's where the bridge comes in.
Respectfully, and at a medium-loud that I cannot promise to reproduce on Sunday,
Claudia Counsel for the Piano Counsel for Alex Counsel for the B-flat, separately, at its request